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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Review: Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005)

Die You Zombie Bastards! is self-professed to be the world's first ever serial killer superhero, rock 'n' roll zombie road movie romance and I find that moniker quite difficult to refute, surprisingly enough.  Director Caleb Emerson takes cues from a number of different genres and half-bakes them to purposeful imperfection in this outlandishly ludicrous low-budget trash epic.

We flashback to 1970, Hell Island (somewhere in The Bermuda Triangle we're told), as a spaceship suddenly crashes down from the heavens.  Forward to present day, where Paleoarchaeologist triplets Shannon, Britney and Nikki are investigating the remote isle to prove or disprove the existence of the fabled half man/half fish "Amphibious Guy" (aka "amphibi-cock", aka "merciless fish-cunt").  During the night they're awakened by the creature, but fail to capture him before he flees back into the sea.  As they sulk over his escaping they are attacked by an unseen assailant and vanish into thin air.

We then cut to (fucking) Pittsburgh, where we are introduced to cannibalistic serial killer and wanna-be superhero Red Toole and his charming wife Violet - "two pearls in a kashmir sky".  Red bestows upon Violet the remains of some camping stoners he killed and they enjoy a bit of playful gut-munching together.  Violet, in exchange, gives Red a box filled with garments for his superhero ensemble: a wave cap, yellow booties, a red suit, a pair of skin-undies with severed penis attached and a cape made of human flesh.  The intimate moment is interrupted by police officers inquiring into the missing sisters.  Despite Red standing in a pool of ooze and holding a severed arm, they find nothing peculiar with the display as they ask a few cursory questions and leave.

Back at Hell Island we get to meet Baron Vaklav Mummyhead Von Nefarious, the evil sub-genius behind the girls' kidnapping.  His plan is to conquer the world by making zombie slaves of its inhabitants with his 'Enormo-Zombotron' which utilizes alien technology procured from the fallen craft we saw at the beginning of the film.  But first on the agenda is turning the girls into mindless playthings for his amusement ("yummy-bums" as he refers to them) and has them pound his large freakish penis with hammers.  It is when Nefarious next abducts Violet, hoping to make her his bride, that a wrench gets thrown into his dastardly desires.

Red begins a journey to find his missing wife at all cost, donning his ridiculous superhero outfit, naturally.  The cops are of no help, which leads him to a clairvoyant Rastafarian named Barundeb Duttah (who inexplicably keeps a topless white girl chained to his wall that plays Operation and cackles maniacally whenever the buzzer sounds).  While enjoying a bath Duttah tells him the story of CoconutHeadFaceMan, a Bahamian fable about a sicko who sprinkles sand from his toenails onto lover's heads before "scaring them very badly".  He then gives Red a magical conch shell as a form of defense during his perilous quest.

Now as you can probably tell from this far into my synopsis, Die You Zombie Bastards! is about as convoluted and intentionally silly as they come.  And this approach will ultimately make or break the film for you - keep in mind we're just 30 minutes into it.  It's completely amateurish on all technical fronts, has heaps of juvenile dialogue, lots of goofy sight gags, foolish flashbacks, comical montages and an admittedly retarded sensibility; however, if you're a bad film enthusiast you really can't help but to be entertained by a large percentage of the shenanigans.

As things progress further, our Toole follows clues that lead him to Sweden and Super-Inga (Russ Meyer, anyone?); we get to hear the "howendous" story of Olaf The Cheese Demon; we travel to the hills of West Virginia in search of real-life rockabilly legend Hasil Adkins; offered a rendition of "Girl In Minnesota, She Loves Them Bacon & Eggs" by the same; we have an emotional meeting with Red's father ("Da!"), who had been presumed dead; and finally he has his fateful confrontation with Nefarious for the big showdown involving zombies, ninjas, robots, an army of disobedient dog-men and giant 'Warlord Mosquitoes'.
And I think I might have spotted a kitchen sink in there somewhere, too.

Enough of the chit-chat though, on to the tally.
A respectable amount of nudity, some mild and inept gore, several exploding heads and 2 time-lapsed meltdown sequences
1 Ray Harryhausen homage
1 Iron Maiden reference  ("scream for me Long Beach!")
2 Motorhead references
3 different roles by deceased porn-legend Jamie Gillis
Gratuitous Hasil Adkins
Gratuitous sausage-eating
Gratuitous nipple-on-toe action
Gratuitous use of the term "rubber dick"
and 1 seriously rockin' soundtrack

and the awards go to:
* Tim Gerstmar, as Red Toole, for over-acting his fucking ass off in nearly every scene and only becoming a mildly bit irritating in the process.

* Pippi Zornoza, as Red's wife Violet, for telling Nefarious "you are clearly the product of faulty upbringing" upon their initial meeting, then later claims, "you know, this is all just starting to be not that scary.  I mean everyday you come in here, you're doing something weird like you're gonna fuck me, or you're gonna make me suck your dick, like you're going to take over.  It's just not that scary.  Redundant, yes.  Scary, no."

* Sandra Kennedy (pictured), as the sex-hungry Super-Inga, who looks great, slaps a sausage link against her cheeks and tells a distracted Red she wants to "baby-sit his cock".

* Sadie Blades, as Nikki, who exclaims "it's too hot for research, or for clothes" before convincing her two sisters to come frolic with her in the water au natural.

* Geoff Mosher, as Baron Nefarious, for asking the captive sisters "now who is going to play with my ass?"; for telling his lab rats in a flashback "everybody into the pool", before shoving them down his trousers and adding "my darlings, feast upon my testicles!"; and, most amusingly, for giving Violet fish-gills so that his "blasphemous tube of pork may dance upon your tonsils forever more."

On a scale of 1 to 10 rubber dicks slathered to the hilt with peanut butter, I'd give this a solid 7.

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